I was so sad last night.
If I began the litany of what I was and am sad about, it feels
like it will never end.
Maybe I will tell you some more about that in a while, but for
now, I would rather talk about the time of day.
Now we are back into secrets. Those special things that we
carry and no one
knows. I love that poem by TS Elliot on the naming of cats
about the secret name that only the cat knows.
about a therapist once whose first question to a new patient
was always "what's you biggest secret." Wow!)
must be a word for that. I can't for the life of me think of
what it is right now, though.
But what I am thinking about is how encouraged this morning I
felt by the sun. The
sun was out. And with the sun, it is as if all things can begin
anew. At least there is the thought of that.
The sun is so beautiful. Not only bringing light, but also
bringing warmth. That warmth feels like a hug from the
universe in some way. With such a hug, it is hard to
feel quite so sad.
What is it about the night? I love the night. It is a release
from the tensions and demands of the day and a time to think and
be in a different way.
And yet, it is much easier to go to a dark place when it is
cold and dark outside. When it it night.
Today, I worked hard and well most of the day. For the most part,
my concentration had returned.
In the late afternoon, I went for a long walk. I discovered a little
shoe store on my walk with a pair of red Doc Martens on sale. My
feet were not happy in the shoes they were wearing so I tried them
That is the only way I like to go shopping. To happen upon
some place or person with whom it seems like kismet to purchase
something I am needing.
So I was very relieved to find this little store and its lovely
proprietor. But it was off the beaten track. And when I
emerged, it had grown dark and I could not gage how far it would
be to the car I had parked on a side street.
I knew where the car was parked. On Pacific and North Venice Blvd.
But the darkness made it feel like another country.
I suddenly felt very frightened in the dark. I longed for
had an English teacher in college call Mr. Clarke. Or maybe
Dr. Clarke. I
don't remember the subject of the course, but we did read Portrait
of a Lady.
He took me aside once and said that life will not be easy because
I felt things. He wasn't trying to change me...just to let
me know that it won't change. I haven't thought about that
for many years.
morning I received an email from a college friend. She wrote
about another college friend, Lynn, who has just retired. Lynn
was one of the ones that got me interested in literature
and majoring in English. She was so excited about everything
that she was reading. She especially loved Winnie the Pooh
and ee cummings and Shakespeare.)
Monday, Jan 23, 2006