Conventional thinker/Unconventional thinker (Mouse Over)

Dear Kim:

I am fascinated by how much food for thought I can get out of a brief exchange. I think that is because behind most exchanges are at least two full histories: what both people bring to the conversation.

When Pseudonym seemed concerned that other people were asking where I was and how we were, I felt angry with her.

(Kim: This does seem a little crazy the way you are saying it. Are you angry at Pseudonym because of what others said to her? Is she responsible for their invasiveness?)

It seemed very much about her ego and her status in a segment of the community, the community of some of our friends.

As she reported it, it didn't seem that people were genuinely interested in how I was. Only in getting the scoop.

And more importantly for our relationship, it didn't seem like she was genuinely interested in how I was and why I am needing to make certain choices right now for my own welfare.Only in how it affects her.

(Kim: Now that is another matter. Which brings me back to the question, "how are you?" Perhaps someone should do a workshop in "how are you?" where you'd work on really listening empathetically. I took a communication workshop once where we had to say I love you to a partner in 20 different ways...like a gray scale (or music scale) connoting I hate you to I love you.)

I said something to that effect to her. That I wished she was not so concerned with what other people thought.

"I just don't want to look foolish," she said."Like people are laughing behind my back. Wondering why you are gone so much."

That comment roused my compassion, or maybe it was pity. Hard to say.

"Oh, babe," I said, no one is laughing at you. They're too concerned with how they look and with their own stuff."

(Kim: I'm seeing lots of people who don't want their cage rattled.)

Part of my problem with this is that it is like the telephone game. I have no way of knowing what was actually said and what is Pseudonym's retelling. I like to sit with these kinds of incidents to uncover what I really think and really feel about something. Sometimes that takes a while to surface.

One thing I am realizing more and more is that Pseudonym as well as many of my St. Louis friends are pretty conventional in their thinking. They assume a relationship or a life should look a certain way and that on some level, there is something wrong if someone takes time out to deal with their own needs.

(Kim: I've been talking to my daughter who is in the throws of social justice about the benefits of self-interest. There is a classic story about how all those who participate in the making of a pencil don't know each other, and might not like each other, but they unknowlingly collaborate like you described the tango. I guess I'm back to the "virtue of selfishness."

As to original thinkers . . . even the greatest of creative people didn't have that many new thoughts, if any. Many had one idea and worked hard to tweek and sell it.)

Later,

Joan

Monday, Feb. 6, 2006

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